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by orangeboat
Summary: My take on what Alison was thinking before she turned around to face Emily in the recent episode: 5x05. One-shot. Emison. Enjoy!


**I've been writing bits and pieces on various characters in Pretty Little Liars for years but for some reason or other, have never felt I should put them up! However, after writing this after the recent episodes, I thought I should have a go at least. Please, try and enjoy :)**

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With my heart racing, I laid beside Emily and there I had remained in silence ever since. We had laid there for 30 minutes and I wasn't sure if Emily was asleep or she was in the same predicament as me, unable to get to sleep as the state of our relationship and what I had done to destroy it tied me up in knots. The uncertainty of where we were made me feel uneasy. Earlier in the day, I had taken the decision, because of my policy of being truthful with Emily, to tell her that in my own roundabout way, I too had liked her and still did. My hands trembled as I told her these things, for it was the first time I felt 'real' for a long time. This was the Alison I knew and wanted to be and the Alison I knew that only Emily believed existed. Emily just stood there, with her bright eyes widening with disbelief, and she could only ask why I felt it was right to tell her. I didn't entirely know why, I just felt compelled to tell her.

Perhaps I expected her to run to me, for her to kiss me like I had wanted her to for so long and for us to fall onto the bed together but I quickly learnt that the fantasy world that I had so perfectly created in my head was not going to become reality. I didn't expect her to question me, for her words to feel cold to me. I really did think that if I told her, it'd make her stay with me but she stood tall and left me to be alone.I had led myself to believe that she'd love me forever but maybe she had grown while I was away. She might have finally seen the darkness within me that so many other people saw. I wondered if I was too late for her and if I had wasted too much time toying with her feelings rather than facing my own. It was still possible that she still loved me. She just had to; a devotion like hers was difficult to get rid of, even over many years. Then I started to think that maybe Emily believed that I was still playing with her, my reputation among others now preceding how Emily used to see me. I did tell her how I felt in the only way I knew how, blunt and to the point. Neither was it at the right time. If I could choose the right time, I'm sure she'd be convinced that I only spoke the truth to her. I'd need all the time in the world to tell her everything and for myself to be satisfied that she knew everything that I had to say.

I wouldn't just apologise for what I did and turn my comments I had made about her being 'practice' into some kind of confession that I loved her. I'd tell her that when we kissed, I never closed my eyes so that I could pretend that she was somebody else, I closed my eyes so that I could focus and see a future where it'd be me and her together. I'd tell her that when we laid down in her back garden at night and she pointed out all the constellations to me, I'd never see the shapes she told me were there. In the night sky, I just saw her breathless beauty in the beauty of the stars. The brightness of some of them reminded me of her bright outlook on life, of her smile that lit up my life in the same way that the moon and the stars lit up the sky for the rest of the world during the night. I'd tell her that when she sometimes held her hand out for me and I'd push it away, it was because I was afraid of admitting that I wanted to hold her hand and never let go. I didn't understand emotions completely, I had a warped view on these things. I believed if I held her hand, it would be far more difficult to pull away from her when I inevitably had to leave and lose her. I'd admit that I did play with her feelings whilst I tried to figure out how I felt about her but at no point since I admitted to myself that I loved her, have I ever stopped wanting to be with her, to protect and watch over her. And with all that has happened and all I've lost sight of, I've never lost sight of her.

"Ali, are you asleep?" Emily barely whispered.

My heart jumped out of my chest and the trembling in my hands returned. I felt nervous and the sick feeling in my stomach grew until I felt as if everything would come up. I didn't know whether or not I should answer her but then I realised that she must have been awake all this time too. She might have been tied up in knots too thinking about what I had said to her. There was a short delay before I turned around to see her looking just as nervous as I was. Emily looked surprised too that I was also awake but there was also a look that told me that in a way, she knew that I wasn't going to be sleeping for a while. Our eyes were locked on one anothers; they weren't moving, and in that moment, I found something else that I'd tell her if I ever had the chance. It was something I had realised some time ago but something I had only just felt for real just now. I had spent years running from something, from someone, trying to feel settled and trying to find somewhere to find comfort. Here, with Emily, there was no running away from the fact that I indeed had found home and I was sure that as she leaned into kiss me, she felt the same way.


End file.
